Ahimsa Shakti

Today I cried. The tears held tight for hours. After I learned the truth. A breath of solitude in an urban landscape. Created the space to feel. More than anger. I cried for the possibilities interrupted. For the opportunity to go deeper, with one another. And the gift that was available in that. For the hours of loving and that sweet, musky desire. That clung to me. I cried for the hope. That this one, this time, was different. And I cried over the betrayal. The crossing a boundary that cannot be uncrossed. That one thing I stated would definitely lose me. In all ways. I stated clearly that taking that action would end all possibilities. I wonder if that was the intent? And then I cry more still for the lack of respect. The lack of love.

I started the ritual of letting go as soon as I heard the truth spoken. But last night, even before I knew the truth, something in me knew that it was over. At times I wish I didn’t know these things. That strong pulse of intuition runs deep in my veins. So that I sense an essence of the truth, even in those moments when I would rather be. Blissfully unaware. I stated the words I needed to say. The words to end it. I drew a warm bath. Perfumed it with essential oils. And as I began to cleanse and scrub my body I also began washing away the attachments in my heart. Each outward motion a reflection of the inner motion taking place. This ritual of love and grieving begun. I wanted you to do the work with me. And more than that, I wanted you to want to do the work with me. This was not the way I wanted us to end. Completely and irrevocably. I cling to and recite like an incantation the words of bell hooks: “ …when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.”  This is my mantra. And this time, I really and truly get these words. Not at a mere intellectual level, but because I am living and feeling them right now. I love. I love deeply. And this love enfolds and embraces me.

I think about how I will tell my children, especially my daughter. This person is no longer in our lives, because he took the actions to make it so. Part of me wants to shield them from the truth, but this other part wants to live the truth so deeply that one day if someone were to do this to my daughter, she would remember how I walked away. And do the same. I want my son to hear and see and know by my very actions that this is not ever the way you treat a woman, a person, a human being. I recite more words of power. My own personal mission statement. These words are strong because they are mine. And then, I get angry at myself for allowing myself to care. These feelings hurt! I allow myself this space to experience this rhythm and ritual of grieving. Whatever, however I feel right now is okay. Anger. Sadness. Love. Compassion. I feel all of this and more. I have been hurt. I am letting someone go.

I am making a stand for myself. I am loving myself fiercely. I am loving myself fiercely. I meditate and visualize this powerful goddess that is the soul of who I am. As a goddess, I take out my swords and sever the energetic ties between this person and me. This person made a choice. They made a choice by their actions to not to have me in their life. I am not taking responsibility for their actions. I am making a choice to have people in my life that treat me with love and respect. This means severing these cords of connection between us. This means moving away from that un-kindness and cruelty. This is love in action. As I make a stand for myself, I make a stand for every woman that has endured something like this. Who said love was soft? Well they were wrong, because this is love. And it is fierce and fiery.

I am ready to let go. I create a prayer, a poem of love for this person:

May you experience,
in this lifetime,
a love so fierce
and fiery

That you radiate respect
and dignity
from the core
of your being

And may every action you take
towards yourself
and others
come from this place

May you go to
those places
that scare you
and get uncomfortable

And delve deeper
and deeper
to find all
that you hold dear

May you find the
courage to
love every bit
of yourself

May you live your
life from a place
where your words,
and actions, meet

May you be
the person you wish
your children
to become

And may you know
that I have loved you
only as deeply
as you have allowed

I wrote this in pencil on three small pieces of paper, rolled them into tight little scrolls, and sent them floating down a stream. Letting the earth work her magic on them. Her magic of death and rebirth.

When I return home, I will light a fire to some cleansing herbs, letting their smoke waft through every room in my house that he has been. This person has sought to cause harm and is no longer welcome in this home. This is the end.